If given the opportunity, would I have been "Faking It?"

Like it is with many shows I watch these days, I first read about the MTV show "Faking It" on Tumblr (and saw a ton of .gifs). The premise made me raise an eyebrow. Two best friends fake being gay so that they become popular in their super-accepting Austin high school. Super-popular gay guy Shane (played by Michael Willett) mistakes them for lesbians and outs them, encouraging the whole student body to vote for them for Homecoming queens--so, they decide to go for it.

L to R: Amy, Shane, Karma.

Karma (played by Katie Stevens), is more concerned about her image and about landing a boyfriend (Liam, played by Gregg Sulkin) than her best friend Amy (played by Rita Volk). Also, by the end of the first episode, you get the impression that while Karma is going to fake it for popularity, Amy is most likely going to realize that she is hella gay.

Look at that look though

Of course, the show is not without its critics. I am not yet sure if I am one of these critics. I just know that, after watching the pilot, I have found myself coming back to the same question--would I have faked it in high school?

There is a quintessential (in my experience) rite of passage for queer folks--falling for someone who is just not into your gender. It hurts. Dear Lord, does it hurt. And for those of us who aren't in an accepting school like Amy and Karma are, it's tough to find someone to commiserate with about our straight-girl crushes. And probably even tougher to find someone to date.

Now, when I came out I absolutely had a crush on one of my best friends. We did end up dating two years later (great success!) for a little while until it just didn't work out and my heart got broken (nooooo!). But for all I knew my freshman year, she was a total straight-girl crush. I also had a bit of a thing for this really pretty and popular volleyball player who sat behind me in math class. Ask me about the one time I tried to "anonymously" ask if she was gay. It was a disaster.

But I digress. If little old me had, my freshman year, been given the opportunity to date one of these girls and become popular, knowing they were not going to reciprocate my growing feelings, would I have taken that opportunity?

L to R: Liam, Karma, Amy

Damn, man, I just don't know. 

On one hand: popularity, sweet lady kisses, holding hands with a cute girl who I like. 

On the other hand: unrequited feelings, lying to the whole school, pain and suffering, watching your crush pine after a boy. Undoubtedly, high school me and Amy would just have our feelings grow and our hearts slowly and painfully begin to break after having so much of a good thing but knowing it isn't real.

And I think a lot of queer women (and men, and non-binary folks) have had that undesirable crush, that person who, every minute you spend with them, you feel at once elated and torn up. Elated to be in their presence and be hanging out with them. Torn up because you have feelings for them, and those feelings will probably never going to be reality. So, would I take the route of faking it?? Damn. I don't know. Probably, because the ride up would have been so awesome until my heart broke and I went plummeting into a sea of lesbian despair. 

This is probably the main reason I will hesitate to watch "Faking It." It may kill me. Because I've been there and it still hurts, six years out of high school. 

You guys, I act tough sometimes but I am fairly certain that Amy's inevitable fall for Karma will pierce through me like the blade of a Japanese demon firefly thing (y'all knew I had to bring that up--MTV, if you're listening, I AM STILL NOT OKAY WITH THAT). 

The premise is, certainly, interesting. How many shows do you see when the characters choose to be gay? You can't even choose to be gay in real life! The setting, even though it feels a little fake, is humorous. And I think the show overall, with its pop culture references and some of its stereotypical characters, is meant to be humorous while also meaning to deal with sexuality and the delicate balance of finding popularity and finding yourself. 

There is always a fight for minority representation on television, and I am always interested in a show about queer women (or, in this case, maybe just one woman). 2013 was a good year for LGBT media, and I say that knowing that there are shows and games and movies and books I haven't even experienced myself. Just off the top of my head, I can list "Orphan Black," "Lost Girl," "Orange Is the New Black," and then the video games "Gone Home" and "The Last of Us" as things I have seen with gay female relationships. "Teen Wolf" also had a short storyline about a gay couple. No offense to the guys on TV shows and in movies, but I just feel more drawn to gay female story lines. So, though there are things for me to watch with women like me, I still feel drawn to invest my time in "Faking It."

I'm only one episode in, and it was like 23 minutes long, so I can't write the show off or give it praise quite yet. Will I subject myself to torture for the next nine episodes? Can I handle it? Will it be worth suffering through? Will any of us be okay ever again? Should television be illegal? Did the second-to-last episode of "Teen Wolf" even happen (MTV, again, if you're reading this I'm mad and you should let Jeff Davis know)?

I guess time will tell--both if Amy is going to fall in love with her best friend, and if I am emotionally stable enough to watch this television show. Trust me, if I'm curled up in a ball in a few weeks muttering something about high school and straight girls and crushes...I won't be faking it. 

on Wednesdays we reminisce

Somewhere in the last decade, I have talked about "Mean Girls" enough that I am the go-to girl for my friends to share clips and crossovers and news about the movie, which was released 10 years ago today.

And if you ask me what my favorite movie is, I will emphatically tell you it's "Mean Girls." No actors in it that I particularly fawn over, no great messages that hit me in the heart every time. It's just a damn funny film, and practically every line is quotable.

It's funny, because the first time I saw "Mean Girls" was a bit of a rough patch for me. I remember the night I first saw it not for the impact it had on me, but for the overall awkwardness of the evening.

I came out as a lesbian the spring of my freshman year of high school--well, it started off as a tentative out of the closet, but the big yellow school bus of my own poor judgment hit me and I went flying out as one of if not the only openly gay kid in a Catholic high school of about 700 in Cincinnati in 2005. There was this girl who sat behind me in math class, very beautiful, very sweet, and I was pretty sure I had a crush on her. So, I wrote her an "anonymous" note from a "friend of a friend" asking if she was gay, and I gave it to her. Isn't that a terrible idea? Between sixth and seventh period, practically the whole freshman class knew I liked this girl. Again, big yellow school bus. Too bad I hadn't seen "Mean Girls" and learned how treacherous things like anonymous written confessions could be. But I was confused, and depressed, and had no one to talk to--and my reputation and a few friendships took a hit.

In grade school, I had six very close friends--when we went to high school, three went to my school and three to one of the other Catholic schools, an all-girls' school. The spring after freshman year, we all got together for a sleepover. I hadn't seen a few of them in a while. This was after I came out, so I told all of them individually before we got together. Most of them seemed totally okay with it. But I was still nervous. I mean, they can't just invite a lesbian to their sleepover party. I mean, right? I was a lesbian!

I don't remember the whole sleepover. But I do remember when the elephant in the room finally got too big to ignore, and the questions started. They're questions that I think all queer people get eventually. How do you know? Have you ever kissed a girl? Do you just, like, look at girls and tell that they're hot? Who do you have a crush on (implied: do you have a crush on one of us?)

Well, I didn't know how to answer that. So I dodged awkwardly, probably mumbled some stuff that placated the questions. I don't think they meant anything mean. I don't think any of them ever loved me any less. But they didn't understand me. And I didn't understand myself enough to help them understand me. And some of them probably thought I had a (big, lesbian) crush on them. And we were all 14 years old, six of seven were Catholic, the other Lutheran. Homosexuality wasn't something we understood. It felt like six against one, a bit.

I think, right after that, was when we crowded around to watch "Mean Girls" on someone's portable DVD player. I had never seen it. And it was, understandably, very awkward to watch. The opening scene of the movie contains a young boy talking about hunting homosexuals with a rifle (we're easier to stop point-blank; use a shotgun). Half of the punchlines about Damian revolve around him being "too gay to function." And Regina's whole thing about Janis being a lesbian...well. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or shrivel up in a ball.

I made it through that. And I made it through high school. And somewhere between 2005 and now, I have seen the movie more than any other in my young life (maybe--I did love "Bambi" as a toddler). And quoted it more than anything else, I am sure. And, as I said, it's not really any great moral triumph. People are assholes to each other all movie, and one girl being the scapegoat seems to be the solution...? Okay, there are some lessons to be learned about honesty, and image, and being true to yourself. But really, I love this movie for the comedy. Tina Fey is a gold mine. Amy Poehler's character is brilliant. Karen Smith is, as they say, my "spirit animal."

It's ironic to me that this is now my favorite movie when I first saw it at a rough and awkward time in my life. This post has probably been mostly a nice reflection for me instead of the tribute to "Mean Girls" it should be (but I hope it's both).

But happy 10 years, "Mean Girls." Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for helping me get voted "most obnoxious" senior year with three of my friends because we constantly reenacted Cady and Aaron's scenes in math class. Thanks for allowing me to turn acquaintances into friends with a few quick quotes. Thank you for all the crazy mash-ups and fandom swaps that have kept the references even fresher. Thank you for making every October 3rd a holiday, and every Wednesday a fashion statement. Thank you for trying to make "fetch" happen (it's not gonna happen). And thank you for making me smile, from the first line ("This is your lunch, OK?") to the last ("Juuuuust kidding!").

Lost Girl season 4 finale recap: Fae-neral for a friend

I needed to do this. For catharsis. For sanity. For a way to wash my hands of how crazy this season has been!

Let's be honest. "Dark Horse" was not as big of a shit show as it could have been. But it was still kind of insane. Are you guys okay? Because if you are okay after Sunday, I'm sorry but we're going to go down the hole again.

So we started out with some good old-fashioned plot stuff and trouble in paradise with Bo and Rainer arguing about some shit.

Oh, Bo's dad! You are so crazy! Too bad we probably won't learn anything more about you except that you're fucking insane!

And then we saw some familiar stuff!

At the Dal, Rainer and Trick finally had a face-to-face for the first time since Trick put him on the crazy train!

Meanwhile, somewhere totally nondescript, Massimo was being weird as fuck and yammering on to Lauren about how he was gonna impress Mommy. 

At the Dal, we had more plot exposition. Bo has both Light Fae blood, "Mage blood," from her mom--allows her to drain life for nourishment and survival--and a darker blood from her dad that allows her to drain life from multiple sources and possibly give it back to someone. So, she's a hybrid Fae basically.

But then Massimo starts up and starts yammering again!!! 

He beats Trick and Bo up real bad and then he starts wailing on Rainer, who wants to fight and do something good with his last few moments on this plane of existence. And then he tells Bo to tell Tamsin that she can now take his soul home to Valhalla.

Massimo snaps his damn neck!!!

RIP Rainer, we hardly knew ye. 

Bo cried a bit about it before Tamsin yelled at her to get her Dark Queen ass in action. Tell her, Tam!

And they DID make out! Well, more like Bo took some Valkyrie juice. And then Dyson and Kenz showed up and Bo looked at her with such hurt in her eyes that it just killed me. 

Tamsin and Kenzi are reading over a book that the magical horse lady left behind. In it, it says that to close the portal, Bo's heart must be sacrificed! Kenz really takes these words to heart, so to speak. 

Bo rips up her Dark Fae contract and says she belongs to NO MAN! Then she laments Rainer a little more and Dyson very skillfully changes the subject and swears fealty to Bo in what I really think was one of the sweetest parts of the episode. Kris H-R is a great actor--and no matter what 'shipping side you are on, I do hope you realize how good of a dude Dyson is.

So, they show up to the portal and some extras from The Walking Dead are there hanging out. Bo gets hungry and decides to suck out their chi! And then, because DUH, she goes all Evil Queen and blabbery!

Luckily, Dyson's lips are there to stop her from breaking into a rendition of Run the World (Girls).

Meanwhile, the (human) Morrigan is trying to seduce Trick, who comes to some realization that he needs to go beat up the revenants. Okay, bud, do ya thang. 

Evony says "Bo-beque" and "grandslaughter" and picks a wedgie, so that's the only reason this scene needed to be that long. This show was RIFE with puns today.

Bo can feel her dad coming closer, so she asks Dyson to hold off the revenants with Tamsin (and keep Kenzi safe) while she goes to kill Massimo and save Dr. Hotpants. Dyson, being the angel puppy that he is, tells her to go get the girl and he will drop kick the zombies back into wherever they are from because I still didn't understand that whole portal thing. 

Bo goes to put on Lauren's necklace as Kenzi and Tamsin come in looking for her. Bo again gives her bestie a look that is really not okay because it is beautiful and poignant and so, so sad because Bo feels bad for all the hurt Kenzi has had to endure. 

Kenz gives her the sword from their house, and a big hug, which I think is basically a sign for "I forgive you." Hey, is someone cutting onions in here?

You guys! :( Poor Kenzi. Poor Bo. Poor everyone. 

And then this episode starts getting full of stuff! Bo, Lauren and Massimo spend like five hours bantering back and forth and spouting stupid puns while they kind of fight.

And then Evony shows up, and Bo makes her little mama's boy so mad!

Bo shows him how he can suck out his mom's life force--but unless he really loves her, he can't stop! And he won't stop!

So, after Massimo nearly kills Mama, Bo does a quick and simple chi suck and stuns him--but then uses the sword Kenzi gave her and KILLS HIM SO DEAD!!

RIP Massimo, you were a bastard!! 

Back at the portal, Kenzi has made up her mind. She knows what she has to do. If Bo's heart is the key to closing the portal, Kenzi is that heart. Kenzi must sacrifice herself for Bo.

Dyson is not happy.

But it cuts back to Lauren and Bo being all cutesy and spawning a million gifsets from Doccubus fans. Lauren says she isn't dark or light, she is Bo's--and stays to help the Morrigan while Bo goes to the battlefield.

On her way, Bo-Bo feels a twinge in her heart. And she knows what is happening.

Tamsin and Trick are still fighting valiantly as Dyson tries in vain to go into the portal himself. 

Kenzi reminds him that, though Bo loves Dyson and Lauren, Kenzi will always be her heart. And if Kenzi dies in battle, a warrior, Tamsin can take her to Valhalla and she will wait there for Bo to come find her. And maybe she'll get to see Hale again.

Bo arrives just in time to see her best friend disappear into the light of the portal after a long slow walk and piano music. :( Kenzi smiles as she meets Bo's eyes, as if to say...I'll see you later.

And it works. The portal closes, the revenants fall. Tamsin rushes to the little Russian's side and transports her to Valhalla.

...or so we think. Dyson somehow appears at a gate to Valhalla and finds Tamsin, who seems very afraid of what may happen to Kenzi. She begs him not to let Bo find the other hell shoe (helshoe??). She is basically terrified. Dyson takes her away, and it looks like the entrance to Valhalla is actually a very well-graffitied wall somewhere...

We see Bo and her yellow car pull up to the cemetery. She says in a voice-over that they buried Rainer by the battlefield where he served long ago. A man with a very shaky voice sang a lot. Bo laments that she has already lost so much...but she has to stay strong. 

Kenzi's gravestone reads "Friend. Warrior. Heart." Bo tells her that she misses her, she needs her courage. But she vows to keep fighting, that no one else will die on her watch. She will go wherever she needs to to bring her bestie back. She says that "them," whoever they are, are the ones who should be afraid. 

...and that's it, my friends. :( A roller coaster of a season. S5 hasn't been announced yet, but if it does, what do you think will happen? Are you over last week's episode yet? Are we all gonna be okay or not? :( 

23 things to do instead of writing dumb shit on the Internet

Recently I read some drivel that I would like to publicly decry because this is the Internet and anyone who has a fucking opinion can post about it and try to get their friends to read it.

The young woman in question seems to be leaning towards two dangerous mindsets in her blog "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23." Here they are.

1. Young marriages are doomed to fail, or are something to make fun of because of the teen pregnancy rate
2. Something may be wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. yet and everyone else is getting married and I am sitting here blogging

My face when I read it was like Effie's in "Catching Fire" when she knew she was sending two innocent kids to their death. It was full of pain and rage. Here it is. I don't really look like this.

I get it. I do. For full disclosure in case you don't know me, I am engaged. I got engaged at the ripe young age of 21. So yeah, of course I'm on the inside looking out of this debate. But excuse the fuck out of me, did I make you feel bad because I happen to be well pleased with my life? Is the blogger "Wander Onwards" just an incarnation of Taylor Swift's dark magick, doomed to wander alone or at least lament the loss of her ex-lovers? Is there a hit single coming on?

Some of y'all may have already tuned me out, which is fine, but for the rest of you rolling your eyes at this girl's suggestions to eat fucking jars of Nutella and start a damn small business and go on world tours by yourself to grow as a person instead of getting married, let's look at a bit of this.

"It (marriage) is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.

Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.

If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence."

Y'all hear that? Those of us who have been engaged before 23 are stunted human beings. We are losing out on life's experiences. We need a crutch.

Now, my partner and I don't have a white picket fence. We don't even have a fence. We live in a cheap-ass apartment in central Ohio with more cats than figures in our combined income. We are certainly not traveling in China like the aforementioned blogger because we are busy being poor and happy and not doing hipster shit. We have been together almost six years--for those keeping tally, we started dating when she was 16 and I was 17. How young is that? Super young. I know it. And I'm sorry if I'm making people jealous but shouldn't I be happy if I've found something that I fully believe is going to work? Shouldn't I want to shout it out to everyone and show how much I love her? Isn't that a good thing, to show your loved ones you appreciate them?

Here's the thing, all we really should strive to do in this life is be happy. If you're happy complaining on Facebook that everyone is having kids and getting married but you, go for it. See what that does for you in the long run.  If you're happy going on a different date every night of the week, props to you. If you're in a marriage, even if it doesn't last long, fucking go for it if you're happy. Stay home all day if you need that to be happy. Just do what you want.

Above all, stop reading blogs. It's a waste of time because none of us know what we're talking about. I'm not even writing a list of 23 things for you to do because you know yourself better than I do and you know how to make yourself happy and you will figure out life on your own time. No one on the Internet is better than anyone else, we're all a bunch of idiots with amazing privilege. Some of us get lucky early and some of us have to struggle through for a little while. Let's take care of each other, and one another, and enjoy the time we have on this spinning ball of elements and shit.

Take it easy, you guys.