Country music has too many bros, and Miranda Lambert is the only one stopping them.

As happy as I am for Miranda Lambert, I am disappointed at the lack of female artists in country music at last night's CMAs. Miranda was, really, the ONLY viable female candidate. Most of the categories were all dudes. 

Miranda Lambert was virtually the only viable female candidate on Wednesday (USA Today)

Entertainer of the year was Miranda and four guys.

Album of the year was Miranda and four guys.

New artist of the year was Brandy Clark and four guys.

Single of the year was Miranda, three guys and Tim McGraw "featuring" Faith Hill even if she was barely on the song.

Duo of the year was four all-male duos and one male-female duo.

The female vocalist of the year category was bleak. Carrie, Martina, Taylor, Kacey and Miranda...with Taylor out, who will they pick next year to fill out the category??

The male vocalist of the year could have been filled by any number of dudes in expensive jeans with wallet chains, calling girls "baby" and sticking synthesizers in their tunes. Male country artists are a dime a dozen, and people eat their formulaic drabble up with a spoon.

Like these idiots (USA Today)

Some of the other categories are better with female representation in musical groups (LBT, Lady A, Band Perry). Kacey Musgraves also did well, but she was the only other real contender as a woman. It's just disappointing to know how few women are making noise in the industry.

Kacey Musgraves won song of the year for "Follow Your Arrow," which is a HUGE deal considering the song's pro-LGBT message (USA Today)

Let me tell you something about Taylor Swift.

I liked her music in high school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then when I was in college, she started putting out this music that was totally pop but ran on the country stations, and Taylor was like, weirdly okay with that.

Like, if she would destroy the industry singlehandedly, reviewers would be like, "Why didn't you just call yourself a pop star?" And she'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for the 2014 CMAs, which was an all-country music party, they were like, "Taylor, we can't nominate you for much, because we think you're a pop singer." I mean, they couldn't have a pop singer at their party. There were gonna be girls there in their cowboy boots. I mean, right? She was a POP SINGER.

So then her mom called Miranda Lambert's mom and started yelling at her, it was so ridiculous. And then she dropped out of country music because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for pop music, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.

(inspired by Mean Girls and someone asking me about my Taylor hate).

23 things to do instead of writing dumb shit on the Internet

Recently I read some drivel that I would like to publicly decry because this is the Internet and anyone who has a fucking opinion can post about it and try to get their friends to read it.

The young woman in question seems to be leaning towards two dangerous mindsets in her blog "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23." Here they are.

1. Young marriages are doomed to fail, or are something to make fun of because of the teen pregnancy rate
2. Something may be wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. yet and everyone else is getting married and I am sitting here blogging

My face when I read it was like Effie's in "Catching Fire" when she knew she was sending two innocent kids to their death. It was full of pain and rage. Here it is. I don't really look like this.

I get it. I do. For full disclosure in case you don't know me, I am engaged. I got engaged at the ripe young age of 21. So yeah, of course I'm on the inside looking out of this debate. But excuse the fuck out of me, did I make you feel bad because I happen to be well pleased with my life? Is the blogger "Wander Onwards" just an incarnation of Taylor Swift's dark magick, doomed to wander alone or at least lament the loss of her ex-lovers? Is there a hit single coming on?

Some of y'all may have already tuned me out, which is fine, but for the rest of you rolling your eyes at this girl's suggestions to eat fucking jars of Nutella and start a damn small business and go on world tours by yourself to grow as a person instead of getting married, let's look at a bit of this.

"It (marriage) is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.

Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.

If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence."

Y'all hear that? Those of us who have been engaged before 23 are stunted human beings. We are losing out on life's experiences. We need a crutch.

Now, my partner and I don't have a white picket fence. We don't even have a fence. We live in a cheap-ass apartment in central Ohio with more cats than figures in our combined income. We are certainly not traveling in China like the aforementioned blogger because we are busy being poor and happy and not doing hipster shit. We have been together almost six years--for those keeping tally, we started dating when she was 16 and I was 17. How young is that? Super young. I know it. And I'm sorry if I'm making people jealous but shouldn't I be happy if I've found something that I fully believe is going to work? Shouldn't I want to shout it out to everyone and show how much I love her? Isn't that a good thing, to show your loved ones you appreciate them?

Here's the thing, all we really should strive to do in this life is be happy. If you're happy complaining on Facebook that everyone is having kids and getting married but you, go for it. See what that does for you in the long run.  If you're happy going on a different date every night of the week, props to you. If you're in a marriage, even if it doesn't last long, fucking go for it if you're happy. Stay home all day if you need that to be happy. Just do what you want.

Above all, stop reading blogs. It's a waste of time because none of us know what we're talking about. I'm not even writing a list of 23 things for you to do because you know yourself better than I do and you know how to make yourself happy and you will figure out life on your own time. No one on the Internet is better than anyone else, we're all a bunch of idiots with amazing privilege. Some of us get lucky early and some of us have to struggle through for a little while. Let's take care of each other, and one another, and enjoy the time we have on this spinning ball of elements and shit.

Take it easy, you guys.

Country music has been changing, and I'm not very okay with it

All right.

Another country music awards show is coming up, and yet again I'm mad that Taylor Swift is even included in the genre any more. Granted, "Red" could maaaaybe be considered in the genre, but the three other singles off of the "Red" album cannot even be close to country. "We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together," "I Knew You Were Trouble," and "22" are pop to the core.

The face of good TV ratings, and of genre betrayal.

I've been saying this for years, mind you, and she only gets worse. Of course, she's America's media darling and her fans drive the TV viewings way, way up.

The "Female Vocalist of the Year" category includes another very-questionable nominee in Kelly Clarkson, who has made a few forays into country but still puts out pop hits. Are they struggling for female vocalists to nominate? Perhaps, because there haven't been as many women who have made hits in the last year or so.

But Taylor and Kelly are just a few of the stars who are chipping away at the dam holding pop away from country. Lady Antebellum, Luke Bryan, Keith Urban (a longtime staple), and even old favorite Tim McGraw are switching banjos and twang for autotune and popularity. Carrie Underwood even has some of that pop sound--can you imagine her baling hay or riding a horse any more?

Don't even get me started on the horrendous beast that is Florida Georgia Line's "Cruise" remix with Nelly. Someone should have salted that demon before it crawled out of hell.

So, this is me inviting anyone, but women in particular, to pick up a guitar, record a YouTube video, and try like crazy to get a record deal. I like what Luke Bryan said last week about women in country. It's hard for them, he said to be feminine while being one of the guys. There are beauty standards that female entertainers are held to. They can't all throw on a white tee, jeans and a hat and feel good to go out in public. They're obviously still pretty, but does society tell them so? Can women go on their own into dive bars and try to sing as a professional without being jeered at? Probably not...

Granted, I grew up in the 1990s, and pop-country crossovers have been a staple on my radio since I was a kid. But I'm sure I'm not the only one pining for Garth Brooks's sound every time I hear another poppy hit. It may be hip, it may cross genres, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Feminism and country music/violence and country music

I'm sharing this article NOT because it knocks on Taylor Swift, but because it talks about feminism in country music and throws some props to my girl Miranda Lambert. Certainly, there is sexism and some old-school stereotypes in the genre. I think there is an overarching theme of men respecting the women (at least a little more than in pop or rap music) and women being tough and independent, not running around in lingerie.

Some of these revenge songs also make me think. Most songs I know about getting revenge on cheating or abusive partners are sung by women, about men OR by women, about women. I'm hard pressed to think of a man who sang about shooting his cheating wife. BUT, I could name you a whole score of women who sang about killing abusive fathers, boyfriends, etc. or the woman responsible for their husband's infidelity. Is it okay for women to advocate violence and men to shy away from that? Or is that just a product of history, where men have beleaguered and belittled women for years? Are women just taking their justice?

Me v. Taylor Swift v. The World

Those of you who know me a bit have experienced my waves of anti-Taylor Swift posts and pictures. And I'm asked many times, "why do you hate her?"


The answer is simple: I don't! Really! But I do hate on her, which I think is a profoundly different thing. Since it's her birthday and she is once again older than me, I feel like it's my duty to clear the air.

Lemme 'splain to you. 

When T. Swift first burst onto the scene, I liked her stuff. Her first album, Taylor Swift, came out in 2006. I think the first song I heard was "Tim McGraw," and I watched the video on Great American County that summer, between World Cup soccer games. 

That was the summer before my junior year of high school, and coincidentally I began teaching myself guitar that year. In my search for simple songs to play, I found many Taylor Swift songs that were in my skill set and vocal range -- "Tim McGraw," "Teardrops on My Guitar," "Our Song," etc. 

When I found out that she is a mere eight months older than me, I felt a little miffed. Here I was, dragging my awkward self through high school, and this girl with her simple lyrics and chords was a hell of a lot richer than me. Taylor, of course, rose to fame before Bieber and Gomez and Lovato and 1D/The Wanted, so I think it's safe to say she was one of the first artists around my age that I really listened to. Thus, this was one of the first times I realized that people my age and my skill level are richer than me. 

Back in those days, I was a better singer. And I've gotten lazy in my guitar skills, so there's no real excuse. BUT I couldn't help be a little jealous.

Also, as a kid I listened to some great 90s country. Reba. Faith. Shania. Dixie Chicks. In high school, I loved Gretchen Wilson and Miranda Lambert and Garth Brooks. So as much as I liked Taylor's first album...well...it didn't really feel country to me.

It especially didn't feel country when "Love Story," her first single off of her sophomore album Fearless, was remixed for pop radio. Gross, Taylor. Really? And what was with the Romeo and Juliet metaphors? EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DIED AT THE END.

I began getting annoyed with Taylor around the second album. The sappy lyrics. The pop remixes. The advertisement deals. The famous boyfriends. People said she was a great role model for little girls. I thought, why? All her songs are about relationships and needing men and being lost in fairy tales. Women don't need to hear sappy love songs or sad breakup songs. They don't need Romeo and Juliet to compare themselves to. They definitely don't need any queerphobic lyrics (they're in the first verse). 

They need to hear that they're powerful. They need to hear that they're beautiful. They need to be independent.

When Kanye West stole that microphone from her in 2009, her career really took off. She won country awards at the Grammys and at the CMAs, I think, because people felt sorry for her. People defended her, and Kanye still hasn't lived down the moment where he insulted America's pop princess. It was rude, absolutely. But everyone rushed to Taylor's defense and it landed her a ton of awards. My personal favorite, Miranda Lambert, got snubbed in favor of someone who was crossing over into the pop realm.
So, I wrote a column for my college newspaper (it's on page 6). Here's an excerpt:

"...it is my firm belief that if girls 10 years younger than you come and scream at your concerts and request that your music be played at their grade school dances, you become dangerously close to losing your place in any real genre. Add in the fact that your music videos are played constantly on MTV and VH1 and that your songs have been remixed for Top 40 stations, and you have lost your country crown. You have now been shoveled into the cliché, synthesized, bubble gum, and dangerously addictive brand of music we like to call "pop."Other poppish country artists are come to mind, but none of them are as widely worshiped as Taylor. It's like she's Miley Cyrus, only better and more prolific.Taylor cleverly tried to prove that she was a country artist by writing a song reminiscing about her life as a younger girl at the age of "Fifteen." Country artists live in the past. They thrive on their breakups and the innocence of their childhoods. Plenty of other country artists have written the proverbial adolescence song: Brad Paisley with "Letter to Me," Carrie Underwood with "Don't Forget to Remember Me," Jason Aldean with "Laughed Until We Cried," Miranda Lambert with "The House That Built Me." All respectable country artists.Taylor, I hate to break it to you, but writing a song about when you're 15 is only cool when you actually are 15 or when you're 35 and reminiscing about it. Not when you're 20."

AND OH, THE HATE I GOT. I went from upset to amused in the span of several minutes as people ripped apart my post. Called me dumb, called me wrong, told me I sucked, defended Taylor, etc.  I thought it was fun! I put the same blog on The Huffington Post, and got plenty of other comments on how bad my writing style was, etc. And again, I was a bit upset at first and then I realized how fun it was to criticize someone whom everyone else adores.

 And oh, how they adored her. Boyfriends and fans and awards committees. Speak Now, her third album, featured songs that were very clearly about several of her exes. People thought it was cute and clever that she would be so bold to call out John Mayer.

 I just thought it was bitchy.

 But she kept on winning awards. Billboard Woman of the Year in 2012. A Grammy for Best Country Performance (really?!) and Best Country Song (...REALLY?!) in 2012. She was Entertainer of the Year at the Academy of Country Music Awards this year (......). On and on, more awards, more honors, and she still acts like she's so damn surprised every time. 

Now, though, I think people are getting a little sick of her serial dating behavior and her kitschy little melodies. Two of her most recent, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and "I Knew You Were Trouble" are just awful, horrifically repetitive and whiny songs. People are starting to make fun of her for dating everything that moves. And you know what? That's good. Because every public figure deserves some criticism. It makes them humble. Keeps them on their toes. As for Taylor, I will continue to let the critical words flow. For one, it's fun. For another, I don't think her songs are very "country" or, frankly, very good. For another, I'm kind of jealous. And for the last, there are so many good artists out there. Like, SO many. And they don't just rely on bad breakups to make their money. They write lyrics that empower women, and lyrics that are certainly a lot smarter than the ones you find on a Taylor Swift album.