You are Cait. I am confused by your comments.

Dear Caitlyn:

Hi.

A very belated welcome to "the family," as I like to refer to other LGBTIQA folks. I can already tell that the conversation about transgender people is shifting because someone so famous is speaking out about her experience and her life.

I know you know all about family. You're part of a famous one! And even before Kris came along, you were in the public eye--girl, you've got an Olympic medal. You've been on a box of Wheaties. And now you are a public figure who has gone under an extraordinary and very brave transformation. It has warmed my heart to see how your children, your mom, your ex-wife and many others have supported and embraced you. Family can make or break you, as I'm sure you know.

Here's the thing about your new family.

There are a lot of us, first of all. Many may still be living in the closet for fear of rejection, persecution, or any other unpleasant thing that ends in -ion (execution comes to mind but I'm trying to keep this light).

Second of all, we don't always know what everyone else is going through. I don't know anything firsthand about transitioning. I try to learn, and I try to understand, and I try to advocate for the trans folks in my life and out there in the world.

I was a bit confused when you told Ellen your stance on gay marriage. It seems like you're...ah, I don't know, a bit lukewarm on gay marriage still?

CREDIT: The Ellen Show

You asked Ellen if the word "marriage" was the important thing. ...well, yeah, of course it is. We want the same rights as everyone else. I want to say I'm married to someone one day, not that I am legally bound by a court to share the same taxes.

I was also a bit baffled about your comments to Matt Lauer about that Halloween costume of you.

CREDIT: BizPac Review

It's pissed a lot of people off in the LGBT community--perhaps the same way that costumes of certain ethnicities do. Trans people aren't a costume, they say, and far too many people have been tortured and murdered for this to be even remotely acceptable. Far too many men are going to take that costume of you and make horribly transphobic comments.

You also chatted with Matt and assured him it was all right if he accidentally said something offensive--and you hinted that you're a little more chill than those activist folks out there.

So.

I don't think I'm the only one who is a bit confused. Up until now, you have enjoyed a very warm welcome from the LGBT fam. But some of us are indignant. In your TV show "I am Cait," you are able to control the narrative a bit more, but not necessarily in interviews.

And what I think has become clear is that you haven't spent enough time with the rest of the LGBT community or--dare I say it--your struggles have been a lot different.

I am NOT saying they are invalid. I know your identity is something you have struggled with for many of your 65 years.

I'm saying your struggles are not the norm, and that is skewing your perspective. I'm saying you are coming from a place of privilege (formerly male privilege) and you don't understand the community as a whole.

1. I think you're lucky to come from a loving family.

Here's a statistic: family rejection and discrimination and violence have contributed to a large number of transgender and other LGBQ-identified youth who are homeless in the United States – an estimated 20-40% of the more than 1.6 million homeless youth.

Outside of the youth part of it: The National Center for Transgender Equality says one in five transgender people has been homeless at some point in their lives.

Even if trans people are not kicked out of their homes, they have issues with their families accepting them.

2. I think you're lucky to have money at your disposal.

Every transition process is different. The Philadelphia Center for Transgender Surgery offers price estimates for MTF and FTM procedures. The prices are staggering--THOUSANDS. And that's just the surgery. Talking to doctors and taking HRT and buying new clothes and going to therapy presents, no doubt, a daunting sum even for someone like you.

3. I think you're lucky to be white.

Sixteen of the at least 20 LGBT people murdered in 2014 were people of color, according to the NCAVP; 11 were transgender women, and 10 were transgender women of color.

Not to mention white people are just much more privileged than minorities. Which I know you know, as you've lived more than 60 years as a rich white Republican dude. And which I also know, as I have lived my 25 years of life as a middle-class white girl.

4. I think you're lucky to live a comfortable life, when it comes down to it. 

Transgender women are being murdered at a disgusting rate. 

Transgender women are resorting to sex work to make ends meet. 

.....I know you are from another generation than I am. I know you have struggled. I know your life has not been easy.

But your experiences are far from universal--and there are much more common experiences in the trans community and the LGBT community as a whole. Being discriminated against. Being shunned by family and friends. Seeing disgusting transphobic and homophobic portrayals in the media. Hoping that, one day, we can all have equal rights for marriage.

You have the platform, you have the support, you have the money, you have the fans. What I think you don't have are, maybe, the friends and the shared experiences that define many of us. And that is essential to understanding our identities and our desires and the issues that are important to the community.

Your comments are not helping a movement you and your TV show have been sharing with the world. They are not helping the people who have worked so hard for marriage equality and for positive representation in media. They are not helping a movement that was ignited in part by trans women of color at Stonewall in 1969.

In short, they are not helping your new family.

I can only ask you to be more mindful of what you say and do in front of an audience of millions--it matters.

Thank you.

And again--welcome to the fam.




P.S.

If you ever read this, please tell Kim I love her Hollywood game.

If given the opportunity, would I have been "Faking It?"

Like it is with many shows I watch these days, I first read about the MTV show "Faking It" on Tumblr (and saw a ton of .gifs). The premise made me raise an eyebrow. Two best friends fake being gay so that they become popular in their super-accepting Austin high school. Super-popular gay guy Shane (played by Michael Willett) mistakes them for lesbians and outs them, encouraging the whole student body to vote for them for Homecoming queens--so, they decide to go for it.

L to R: Amy, Shane, Karma.

Karma (played by Katie Stevens), is more concerned about her image and about landing a boyfriend (Liam, played by Gregg Sulkin) than her best friend Amy (played by Rita Volk). Also, by the end of the first episode, you get the impression that while Karma is going to fake it for popularity, Amy is most likely going to realize that she is hella gay.

Look at that look though

Of course, the show is not without its critics. I am not yet sure if I am one of these critics. I just know that, after watching the pilot, I have found myself coming back to the same question--would I have faked it in high school?

There is a quintessential (in my experience) rite of passage for queer folks--falling for someone who is just not into your gender. It hurts. Dear Lord, does it hurt. And for those of us who aren't in an accepting school like Amy and Karma are, it's tough to find someone to commiserate with about our straight-girl crushes. And probably even tougher to find someone to date.

Now, when I came out I absolutely had a crush on one of my best friends. We did end up dating two years later (great success!) for a little while until it just didn't work out and my heart got broken (nooooo!). But for all I knew my freshman year, she was a total straight-girl crush. I also had a bit of a thing for this really pretty and popular volleyball player who sat behind me in math class. Ask me about the one time I tried to "anonymously" ask if she was gay. It was a disaster.

But I digress. If little old me had, my freshman year, been given the opportunity to date one of these girls and become popular, knowing they were not going to reciprocate my growing feelings, would I have taken that opportunity?

L to R: Liam, Karma, Amy

Damn, man, I just don't know. 

On one hand: popularity, sweet lady kisses, holding hands with a cute girl who I like. 

On the other hand: unrequited feelings, lying to the whole school, pain and suffering, watching your crush pine after a boy. Undoubtedly, high school me and Amy would just have our feelings grow and our hearts slowly and painfully begin to break after having so much of a good thing but knowing it isn't real.

And I think a lot of queer women (and men, and non-binary folks) have had that undesirable crush, that person who, every minute you spend with them, you feel at once elated and torn up. Elated to be in their presence and be hanging out with them. Torn up because you have feelings for them, and those feelings will probably never going to be reality. So, would I take the route of faking it?? Damn. I don't know. Probably, because the ride up would have been so awesome until my heart broke and I went plummeting into a sea of lesbian despair. 

This is probably the main reason I will hesitate to watch "Faking It." It may kill me. Because I've been there and it still hurts, six years out of high school. 

You guys, I act tough sometimes but I am fairly certain that Amy's inevitable fall for Karma will pierce through me like the blade of a Japanese demon firefly thing (y'all knew I had to bring that up--MTV, if you're listening, I AM STILL NOT OKAY WITH THAT). 

The premise is, certainly, interesting. How many shows do you see when the characters choose to be gay? You can't even choose to be gay in real life! The setting, even though it feels a little fake, is humorous. And I think the show overall, with its pop culture references and some of its stereotypical characters, is meant to be humorous while also meaning to deal with sexuality and the delicate balance of finding popularity and finding yourself. 

There is always a fight for minority representation on television, and I am always interested in a show about queer women (or, in this case, maybe just one woman). 2013 was a good year for LGBT media, and I say that knowing that there are shows and games and movies and books I haven't even experienced myself. Just off the top of my head, I can list "Orphan Black," "Lost Girl," "Orange Is the New Black," and then the video games "Gone Home" and "The Last of Us" as things I have seen with gay female relationships. "Teen Wolf" also had a short storyline about a gay couple. No offense to the guys on TV shows and in movies, but I just feel more drawn to gay female story lines. So, though there are things for me to watch with women like me, I still feel drawn to invest my time in "Faking It."

I'm only one episode in, and it was like 23 minutes long, so I can't write the show off or give it praise quite yet. Will I subject myself to torture for the next nine episodes? Can I handle it? Will it be worth suffering through? Will any of us be okay ever again? Should television be illegal? Did the second-to-last episode of "Teen Wolf" even happen (MTV, again, if you're reading this I'm mad and you should let Jeff Davis know)?

I guess time will tell--both if Amy is going to fall in love with her best friend, and if I am emotionally stable enough to watch this television show. Trust me, if I'm curled up in a ball in a few weeks muttering something about high school and straight girls and crushes...I won't be faking it. 

Best songs of 2013

"Q.U.E.E.N.," Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu

Monae continues to show her proclivity for futuristic android metaphors and funky empowerment anthems on the lead single from "The Electric Lady." In an interview with Fuse, she described the song title as an acronym. "Q" is for the queer community, "U" for the untouchables, "E" for both emigrants and the excommunicated, and "N" for those labeled as negroid (which is, as I understand, an anthropological term for those of African descent).

The duo combine for a fantastic look into  society as they call for their fellow electric ladies (and gentlemen, presumably) to fight sexism, racism, stereotyping, homophobia, classism, political greed and so much more. Janelle gives some of her best weird as fuck facial expressions and even breaks into some spoken word/rap at the end of the song that should get your booty right off the couch and onto Change.org to try and make a difference.

"I'm Out," Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj

This blast of sass features one of Nicki's finest verses this year (and she has done plenty of them). The song would be perfect for dancing in the club after a shitty breakup--and that's what Ciara sets out to do. She taunts her ex for trying to get back with her, while Nicki takes a more direct approach of threatening his new girl. The theme is overdone, but the delivery is spot-on and delivers the perfect amount of sneering sexuality.

"Alien," Britney Spears

This song slowly propels you into Brit's eight studio album "Britney Jean" with ethereal instrumentation and a smooth vocal line. Our Princess of Pop reflects on how alone she has felt during more than 15 years of being a recording artist--but an unnamed "you," possibly fans or a loved one, are there to support her and remind her she is not alone. The alien metaphor could have been overdone, but it's just enough here to get the point across.

The album overall is the first album in 10 years where Britney is listed as a writer on every song in the list. For me, as an admitted fan, this makes me feel a hell of a lot closer to the message since I know it's from her own mind. I can only imagine how ostracizing it must feel for someone who has been in the spotlight since she's been a kid. And perhaps she feels like a creature from another planet sometimes when she realizes how much her life is directed by medication, guardians, schedules, paparazzi, etc. It would be enough to make me want to leave the planet for a while.

"Follow Your Arrow," Kacey Musgraves

Kacey first impressed me with her frank look at small-time life called "Merry-Go Round," in which she remarked on people who stay in their hometowns just to get pregnant, get married, get high, and get nowhere but where they have always been.

THIS piece of artistry stood out to me because Kacey straight-out (all right, kind of subtly), embraces homosexuality in a nonchalant manner as she tells her listeners that they should feel free to just do what the hell they want in the rest of life. And again, she remarks on society. If you eat too much, you're fat. If you don't eat enough, you're on crack. "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want," she sings. Get married, don't get married, have lots of sex, smoke a joint, just stay at home all day. Kacey's cool with it.

"I Don't Know How," Best Coast

For those unfamiliar with this duo, they have a lovely surf-rock feel that was most prominent on their debut album "Crazy for You," which was very lo-fi and processed to alter Bethany Cosentino's vocals and add tons of reverb to Bobb Bruno's guitar and bass. Their sophomore effort "The Only Place" sounded a bit more mainstream while remaining in the beachy stoner genre.

The EP "Fade Away" is where you'll find this song, and I think it's got all of what makes Best Coast unique. Bethany's simple, yet powerful lyrics about love and heartbreak (and a hell of a lot of long notes) mixed with Bobb's mastery of the strings. Plus, the music video is as cheerful as ever. These guys know how to have fun, even when their hearts are breaking.

"Same Love," Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, feat. Mary Lambert

I know that this was released last year, but it really only got major radio play in 2013. What can I say about it that already hasn't been said? I really can't recall may songs that have been solely about homosexuality on Top 40 radio. I think it's a wonderful start to a major social change.

"Black Skinhead," Kanye West

One of these days, Ye will give himself a heart attack performing this song because it is so frantic and the lyrics are spat with such ferocious velocity. The song may not be complete without the video above--so, check it out and then go look at his performance on SNL. He touches on racism and slavery, and seems to be painting himself as a warrior against such evils. Call him what you will, but this man knows how to push the meaningful buttons when he wants to.

Also considered:

"Boss-Ass Bitch," Nicki Minaj

"Beat This Summer," Brad Paisley

"New Slaves," Kanye West

"All Kinds of Kinds," Miranda Lambert

Kids react, but it's not representative.

I do enjoy the "Kids React To" series. In a new installment, they discuss gay marriage...but I don't think the reactions from the kids are necessarily representative of all American kids and even teens.

These kids are from California, a more liberal place, and I'm sure there would be starkly different views if you interviewed kids in Wyoming, Alabama, Texas, etc. I assume, and it is a personal assumption, that these kids live near the Fine Brothers' studios in Los Angeles. They probably know more LGBT people than kids in other states and even other parts of Cali.

It's a cute video, but before we put all our hope in the generation behind us, let's remember the culture they (probably) come from and the other cultures that are out there.

Don't forget how many kids commit suicide each year in this country because they are bullied. We still have a long way to go, y'all.

Don't tread on me (and my family values, Mulan)!

*SPOILERS FOR ONCE UPON A TIME*

OUaT, an ABC show that intertwines fairy tale and legendary characters into one huge storyline, recently had one of its only non-white characters sort-of-kind-of come out as bisexual.

If you haven't ever seen it, well, wrap your mind around this. Mulan was two steps away from telling Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) that she was in love with her. But Aurora is pregnant with Prince Phillip's baby. So Mulan didn't tell her, and instead ran away with Robin Hood's band.

Now.

I find it somewhat comical that people on the Internet are soiling their knickers over this--not because of implied girl-on-girl romance, but they say it's because "the gays" are invading these "precious children's stories." Does the liberal agenda have to seep into EVERYTHING?!

These are from HollywoodLife.com, but I also saw some elsewhere. 

I'm not even going to touch the gay issue. I would merely counter with this argument. Once Upon a Time is exactly like the Disney stories that little kids (and big kids) know. It is EXACTLY like the animated movies BECAUSE it totally changes the real fairy tales. I cannot refrain from rolling my eyes when I see some concerned parent say that their little girl will no longer be watching OUaT because of a few longing glances and an almost-confession of same-sex love.

One. This show has featured murder, torture, kidnapping, questionable ethics, several psychopaths, true evil, Stockholm syndrome and some other stuff that might scare the poor kid. Why are you letting your children watch this in the first place?! The Evil Queen KEEPS PEOPLES' HEARTS IN BOXES.

Collectin' my jar of hearts

Two. Disney did not invent most of their fairy tale characters. Just because your kids know the singing and dancing doesn't mean it's true. Real fairy tales were BRUTAL. Snow White is about the plotted murder of a seven-year-old. Red Riding Hood is about the brutal chomping of a grandma. Rumplestiltskin is a nutty child snatcher. Kids get eaten in Hansel and Gretl. Sleeping Beauty gets raped. This is NOT a nice world. But, these stories in their true forms are TERRIFYING. Do these parents even realize that when they complain about these nice, family-friendly fairy tales being ruined? Disney ruined them. Let ABC ruin them how they wish.

Gimme yo kid

Worry about something else, like teaching your sons not to rape women or all your kids the proper usage of "your" and "you're." Y'all are killing me.

Open Letter to the Pope: From Scoops the cat, who is almost three

From the desk of Scoops

Dear Pope Francis:

I just wanna congratulate you on your election yesterday, and say a few things that are on my mind as a young brother cat in Ohio.

First up, I identify as a Franciscan, so I was pumped when my mama told me you took St. Francis's name. He is by far my favorite saint because he loved animals and cared about the environment. Huggin' trees, man! He lived a simple life, as do I. And I hope you will continue to champion the poor folk. I grew up on the streets before I was adopted. Now I live with a few other cats. My owners like to foster out cats 'cause they're real cool like that. I've seen a lot of animals in my life, and though I may be afraid of dogs, I know all animals deserve God's love and respect.

I do have an issue with ya on a few bits. And excuse my vernacular, man, but why you gotta be hatin' on gay people? See, my owners are both girls and they're in love. And to me, there ain't a thing wrong with that. I know I'm a cat, and I'm probably not the smartest cat, but I know for sure that my mamas adopted me and they love me for who I am. And I love them back for who they are. I haven't met an animal who gives two shakes about their owners' sexuality. I love my mamas because they are kind and caring, they pet me, they love me, and they'd never hurt their animals. They're good people. But if I happened to be a human being, they wouldn't be able to adopt me. And I don't wanna go back on the streets.

Don't all people deserve that love, too? That chance to share a monogamous  relationship and raise a family?  Man, it's not even an issue where I stand. I don't know why people are hatin' on other people. I have seen black cats, grey cats, orange cats, calico cats, male and female cats, and they are all my brothers and sisters. And I have seen the same with people. Black people, white people, people from Asia, Europe, South America, whatever. Gay or straight or bisexual or queer or anything. I don't care.

See the thing is, we animals don't worry about all that crap. We are simple animals as God made us. St. Francis loved us for our simplicity. We don't have a lot of needs. We don't ask for too much. And most importantly, we see right through skin and sexuality and gender and see peoples' hearts. We can read souls, man. We can tell when someone is sketchy. We can tell when someone is sad.

I can tell, ain't no doubt in this mind, that I was raised by two people with love in their hearts. I think any animal would rather be raised by two gay guys who treated them right than by a hetero couple where one person was abusive. I think any kid would, too. Sex and sexuality and skin don't matter. It's the heart, man. We can see that. I think St. Francis could, too.

You influence a lot of people, Mr. Pope. I am excited to see what happens in the church. I hope for a future full of truth, love, and help for the needy.

Give me a holla if you're ever in Ohio. I'd love to meet you.

Respectfully,

Scoops

Ohio, USA

Homosexuality/religion

(originally ranted on Facebook)

As a reporter, I try not to get too personal/political, but it is hard not to after hearing a Cincinnati assistant principal got fired for supporting gay marriage on his blog.

I loved my 12 years of Catholic school in Cinci, and the allies I found there, but I often wish I could have had an even easier experience coming out and being a gay Christian. It’s something I’ve struggled with. I’ve read the entire Bible, I am sure,  since I was also a religion major in my Methodist college.

Jesus didn't say a damn thing about homosexuality. And any argument that Leviticus prohibits it is insane. Laws in Leviticus were based on ritual sacrifice and being acceptable to come before the altar -- gay sex was unclean in the ritualistic sense, as were a myriad of other things (like tattoos and eating shellfish).

Same-sex marriage will not lead to incest, or people marrying dogs and toaster ovens. Same-sex marriage is between TWO CONSENTING ADULTS. Your dog or some little kid can't make a legal lifelong commitment. Two adults should be able to do what the hell they want with their love lives.

This shouldn't even be a religious issue. Religion, to me, is learning your own damn way to connect with Jesus and God. And how to be happy. No one can tell you how to build that relationship, or be happy, or what God thinks of you. They can give you guidelines, but my God loves me for who I am and I have experienced holiness in different ways than other people have. And if you don't have a god, that's okay too. You probably have clearer eyes in this issue. If you disagree with me, that's okay, but this is what my life as a MethoCatholic has taught me.

In short, my friends, thank you to all who support the LGBTIQA community and those who don't use religion as a way to strong-arm other people into having your beliefs.

POC and LGBT in shows I watch (or lack thereof)

I'm having an interesting conversation on FB about how few black or gay people there are in the video games and shows I watch. I think I've said this before...but for real, Hollywood? UNDER-REPRESENTED. There are hardly any other ethnicities, either. These are the things I do.

• The Walking Dead - zero gay, multiple of like two or three black people alive at all times.
• The Vampire Diaries - one dead evil gay dad, light-skinned black people who usually die because they are all witches.
• Glee - don't get me started, there are hardly any black people and they all have terrible story lines. The writers only pay attention to one group of gay people.
• Rizzoli & Isles - one of the main protagonists is black, and they have one minor black character (who is pretty much a stereotype). Aside from the subtext, not too much gayness. 
• Buffy - a groundbreaking lesbian couple, BUT ALSO a ton of white folks. Except for Principal Wood, who is a badass.
• Sherlock - everyone is white, no gayness except when they mention ALL THE TIME that people think Watson and Holmes are a couple.
• Resident Evil series - no gay people, the only main black protagonist in RE5 is basically a sex symbol...
• Assassin's Creed series- Leonardo Da Vinci is the only gay person I know of. I can cut this series some slack because many events take place hundreds of years ago. But, on the other hand, the main group of present-day protagonists are all white folk.
• Dead Island - two of the main protags are black, but there isn't really much of a back story to 'em. No gay people that I know of.

Thoughts from someone six and a half years out

A huge thank you to all the allies, friends, fellow LGBTIQ people and family members who have helped me through my own journey as a lesbian. I can't say enough to thank you, truly.
To everyone -- high school freshmen, college fraternity and sorority members, CEOs, politicians -- who want to come out today but can't for fear of rejection, know there are always places for you and there will always be people to accept you. Sometimes you have to look hard, but sometimes you need to look no further than who is already in your life.
If today is a hard day for you and you feel like you have nowhere to go...even if there is no one else, I am here for you and I love you.
Thank you to everyone in this movement for their courage and their honesty.