23 things to do instead of writing dumb shit on the Internet

Recently I read some drivel that I would like to publicly decry because this is the Internet and anyone who has a fucking opinion can post about it and try to get their friends to read it.

The young woman in question seems to be leaning towards two dangerous mindsets in her blog "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23." Here they are.

1. Young marriages are doomed to fail, or are something to make fun of because of the teen pregnancy rate
2. Something may be wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. yet and everyone else is getting married and I am sitting here blogging

My face when I read it was like Effie's in "Catching Fire" when she knew she was sending two innocent kids to their death. It was full of pain and rage. Here it is. I don't really look like this.

I get it. I do. For full disclosure in case you don't know me, I am engaged. I got engaged at the ripe young age of 21. So yeah, of course I'm on the inside looking out of this debate. But excuse the fuck out of me, did I make you feel bad because I happen to be well pleased with my life? Is the blogger "Wander Onwards" just an incarnation of Taylor Swift's dark magick, doomed to wander alone or at least lament the loss of her ex-lovers? Is there a hit single coming on?

Some of y'all may have already tuned me out, which is fine, but for the rest of you rolling your eyes at this girl's suggestions to eat fucking jars of Nutella and start a damn small business and go on world tours by yourself to grow as a person instead of getting married, let's look at a bit of this.

"It (marriage) is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.

Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.

If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence."

Y'all hear that? Those of us who have been engaged before 23 are stunted human beings. We are losing out on life's experiences. We need a crutch.

Now, my partner and I don't have a white picket fence. We don't even have a fence. We live in a cheap-ass apartment in central Ohio with more cats than figures in our combined income. We are certainly not traveling in China like the aforementioned blogger because we are busy being poor and happy and not doing hipster shit. We have been together almost six years--for those keeping tally, we started dating when she was 16 and I was 17. How young is that? Super young. I know it. And I'm sorry if I'm making people jealous but shouldn't I be happy if I've found something that I fully believe is going to work? Shouldn't I want to shout it out to everyone and show how much I love her? Isn't that a good thing, to show your loved ones you appreciate them?

Here's the thing, all we really should strive to do in this life is be happy. If you're happy complaining on Facebook that everyone is having kids and getting married but you, go for it. See what that does for you in the long run.  If you're happy going on a different date every night of the week, props to you. If you're in a marriage, even if it doesn't last long, fucking go for it if you're happy. Stay home all day if you need that to be happy. Just do what you want.

Above all, stop reading blogs. It's a waste of time because none of us know what we're talking about. I'm not even writing a list of 23 things for you to do because you know yourself better than I do and you know how to make yourself happy and you will figure out life on your own time. No one on the Internet is better than anyone else, we're all a bunch of idiots with amazing privilege. Some of us get lucky early and some of us have to struggle through for a little while. Let's take care of each other, and one another, and enjoy the time we have on this spinning ball of elements and shit.

Take it easy, you guys.

Best songs of 2013

"Q.U.E.E.N.," Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu

Monae continues to show her proclivity for futuristic android metaphors and funky empowerment anthems on the lead single from "The Electric Lady." In an interview with Fuse, she described the song title as an acronym. "Q" is for the queer community, "U" for the untouchables, "E" for both emigrants and the excommunicated, and "N" for those labeled as negroid (which is, as I understand, an anthropological term for those of African descent).

The duo combine for a fantastic look into  society as they call for their fellow electric ladies (and gentlemen, presumably) to fight sexism, racism, stereotyping, homophobia, classism, political greed and so much more. Janelle gives some of her best weird as fuck facial expressions and even breaks into some spoken word/rap at the end of the song that should get your booty right off the couch and onto Change.org to try and make a difference.

"I'm Out," Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj

This blast of sass features one of Nicki's finest verses this year (and she has done plenty of them). The song would be perfect for dancing in the club after a shitty breakup--and that's what Ciara sets out to do. She taunts her ex for trying to get back with her, while Nicki takes a more direct approach of threatening his new girl. The theme is overdone, but the delivery is spot-on and delivers the perfect amount of sneering sexuality.

"Alien," Britney Spears

This song slowly propels you into Brit's eight studio album "Britney Jean" with ethereal instrumentation and a smooth vocal line. Our Princess of Pop reflects on how alone she has felt during more than 15 years of being a recording artist--but an unnamed "you," possibly fans or a loved one, are there to support her and remind her she is not alone. The alien metaphor could have been overdone, but it's just enough here to get the point across.

The album overall is the first album in 10 years where Britney is listed as a writer on every song in the list. For me, as an admitted fan, this makes me feel a hell of a lot closer to the message since I know it's from her own mind. I can only imagine how ostracizing it must feel for someone who has been in the spotlight since she's been a kid. And perhaps she feels like a creature from another planet sometimes when she realizes how much her life is directed by medication, guardians, schedules, paparazzi, etc. It would be enough to make me want to leave the planet for a while.

"Follow Your Arrow," Kacey Musgraves

Kacey first impressed me with her frank look at small-time life called "Merry-Go Round," in which she remarked on people who stay in their hometowns just to get pregnant, get married, get high, and get nowhere but where they have always been.

THIS piece of artistry stood out to me because Kacey straight-out (all right, kind of subtly), embraces homosexuality in a nonchalant manner as she tells her listeners that they should feel free to just do what the hell they want in the rest of life. And again, she remarks on society. If you eat too much, you're fat. If you don't eat enough, you're on crack. "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want," she sings. Get married, don't get married, have lots of sex, smoke a joint, just stay at home all day. Kacey's cool with it.

"I Don't Know How," Best Coast

For those unfamiliar with this duo, they have a lovely surf-rock feel that was most prominent on their debut album "Crazy for You," which was very lo-fi and processed to alter Bethany Cosentino's vocals and add tons of reverb to Bobb Bruno's guitar and bass. Their sophomore effort "The Only Place" sounded a bit more mainstream while remaining in the beachy stoner genre.

The EP "Fade Away" is where you'll find this song, and I think it's got all of what makes Best Coast unique. Bethany's simple, yet powerful lyrics about love and heartbreak (and a hell of a lot of long notes) mixed with Bobb's mastery of the strings. Plus, the music video is as cheerful as ever. These guys know how to have fun, even when their hearts are breaking.

"Same Love," Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, feat. Mary Lambert

I know that this was released last year, but it really only got major radio play in 2013. What can I say about it that already hasn't been said? I really can't recall may songs that have been solely about homosexuality on Top 40 radio. I think it's a wonderful start to a major social change.

"Black Skinhead," Kanye West

One of these days, Ye will give himself a heart attack performing this song because it is so frantic and the lyrics are spat with such ferocious velocity. The song may not be complete without the video above--so, check it out and then go look at his performance on SNL. He touches on racism and slavery, and seems to be painting himself as a warrior against such evils. Call him what you will, but this man knows how to push the meaningful buttons when he wants to.

Also considered:

"Boss-Ass Bitch," Nicki Minaj

"Beat This Summer," Brad Paisley

"New Slaves," Kanye West

"All Kinds of Kinds," Miranda Lambert

"Britney Jean" works, bitch

Here we go again!

Britney Jean: 7/10 

I'm into this album. For me, as a fan, I feel more connected to this "Britney Jean" because I know Brit has been putting work into it. She wrote very little of "Circus" and "Blackout"  and none of "Femme Fatale" that I can see. This is the most she has written for one album since "In the Zone." It feels better to me, it feels more real. She's been promoting it as more personal, and I love that. There are personal moments, but they are shaken up by will.I.am and his dance beats. And her voice can shine through instead of being chopped up and robotized (on most tracks). She's criticized for her breathy sound, when people actually admit she still sings, but she uses her range well on this album.

Still, there are songs I don't like. It's that way with every album of my favorite artists. "Britney Jean" starts out very strong. "Alien" sounds like one of those songs that you put at the end of an album because it's a little weird and not quite your style. It works well here, an introspective start to her eighth studio album, as she talks about loneliness. "Work Bitch," an absolute slammer, is next. That song can still make me get off my ass and do anything. "Perfume" delivers some spot-on vocal work, even if the lyrics about "trying to be cool" make me raise an eyebrow.

The next three are meant to be dance songs, which is fine, but I could do without "Tik Tik Boom." "It Should Be Easy," featuring the ubiquitous (and unexciting) will.I.am, and "Body Ache," which are both not bad, sandwich her repetitive collab with T.I.  The songs are fast-paced without being too frantic.

"'Til It's Gone" is a thumping, well-sung piece and I think it and "Alien" are the best ones on the record. I'm not sure why I love it so much--perhaps the interesting chorus, perhaps the simple message that she delivers honestly. Whatever it is, it feels good and I wish the iTunes First Play would let me listen over and over.

"Passenger," which she co-wrote with Katy Perry, starts with a weird beat but transitions into a good midtempo ballad about being able to let go and let someone else drive in a relationship, about not trying to control too much and driving around "without a map."

Skip her collab with her sister--it's called "Chillin' With You" but I'd rather chill alone without this song. It feels awkward, going from guitar strums to a gentle beat with equally peaceful vocals, then weirdly turning into a bare beat and some vocalizations of chillin witchu.

Same with "Don't Cry," the final song on the record. This one could do with a few stronger lyrics, but it gets the point across-don't cry, I'm leaving, we lost our love, it hurts. It ends on a melancholy note--or does it? After all, there is strength in being able to walk away after a failed relationship.

Overall, it's a solid album. There's sex, of course--sex sells, and sex is just a part of Britney. But I also see signs of growth, as an artist and as a person, and signs that she is willing to open up to her fans and the world.

Britney Spears music used to fight off Somali pirates

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

http://metro.co.uk/2013/10/27/britney-spears-songs-used-to-scare-off-pirates-in-somalia-4163217/

We all knew she was a angel sent from Heaven, but this just takes the cake. What an icon!

Soccer player trapped in Qatar--spread the word!

"I feel like a hostage.""Life has become a nightmare for me, my wife and my two small daughters. I try to be the best daddy I can but after I tuck them in at night, I go to bed and cry like a baby." --Zahir Belounis 

Zahir, a French-Algerian footballer (soccer player), has been stuck in Qatar for two years after a contract dispute with his club. The country will not let him leave until he drops a lawsuit against his club for two years of unpaid wages.



He has no money and is trying to feed his family while keeping his hopes up. His family may be asked to vacate soon.

He was told he could leave earlier this fall, but is still in Qatar. 

Reporters who have talked to him say he is growing increasingly despondent.

The World Footballers' Association is trying to get involved. Please, spread the word! Calls, emails, Tweets...lots of noise about this issue will help Zahir and his family finally come home.

(I also posted about this on my other blog, Footy Feelings)

Kids react, but it's not representative.

I do enjoy the "Kids React To" series. In a new installment, they discuss gay marriage...but I don't think the reactions from the kids are necessarily representative of all American kids and even teens.

These kids are from California, a more liberal place, and I'm sure there would be starkly different views if you interviewed kids in Wyoming, Alabama, Texas, etc. I assume, and it is a personal assumption, that these kids live near the Fine Brothers' studios in Los Angeles. They probably know more LGBT people than kids in other states and even other parts of Cali.

It's a cute video, but before we put all our hope in the generation behind us, let's remember the culture they (probably) come from and the other cultures that are out there.

Don't forget how many kids commit suicide each year in this country because they are bullied. We still have a long way to go, y'all.

Don't tread on me (and my family values, Mulan)!

*SPOILERS FOR ONCE UPON A TIME*

OUaT, an ABC show that intertwines fairy tale and legendary characters into one huge storyline, recently had one of its only non-white characters sort-of-kind-of come out as bisexual.

If you haven't ever seen it, well, wrap your mind around this. Mulan was two steps away from telling Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) that she was in love with her. But Aurora is pregnant with Prince Phillip's baby. So Mulan didn't tell her, and instead ran away with Robin Hood's band.

Now.

I find it somewhat comical that people on the Internet are soiling their knickers over this--not because of implied girl-on-girl romance, but they say it's because "the gays" are invading these "precious children's stories." Does the liberal agenda have to seep into EVERYTHING?!

These are from HollywoodLife.com, but I also saw some elsewhere. 

I'm not even going to touch the gay issue. I would merely counter with this argument. Once Upon a Time is exactly like the Disney stories that little kids (and big kids) know. It is EXACTLY like the animated movies BECAUSE it totally changes the real fairy tales. I cannot refrain from rolling my eyes when I see some concerned parent say that their little girl will no longer be watching OUaT because of a few longing glances and an almost-confession of same-sex love.

One. This show has featured murder, torture, kidnapping, questionable ethics, several psychopaths, true evil, Stockholm syndrome and some other stuff that might scare the poor kid. Why are you letting your children watch this in the first place?! The Evil Queen KEEPS PEOPLES' HEARTS IN BOXES.

Collectin' my jar of hearts

Two. Disney did not invent most of their fairy tale characters. Just because your kids know the singing and dancing doesn't mean it's true. Real fairy tales were BRUTAL. Snow White is about the plotted murder of a seven-year-old. Red Riding Hood is about the brutal chomping of a grandma. Rumplestiltskin is a nutty child snatcher. Kids get eaten in Hansel and Gretl. Sleeping Beauty gets raped. This is NOT a nice world. But, these stories in their true forms are TERRIFYING. Do these parents even realize that when they complain about these nice, family-friendly fairy tales being ruined? Disney ruined them. Let ABC ruin them how they wish.

Gimme yo kid

Worry about something else, like teaching your sons not to rape women or all your kids the proper usage of "your" and "you're." Y'all are killing me.