You are Cait. I am confused by your comments.

Dear Caitlyn:

Hi.

A very belated welcome to "the family," as I like to refer to other LGBTIQA folks. I can already tell that the conversation about transgender people is shifting because someone so famous is speaking out about her experience and her life.

I know you know all about family. You're part of a famous one! And even before Kris came along, you were in the public eye--girl, you've got an Olympic medal. You've been on a box of Wheaties. And now you are a public figure who has gone under an extraordinary and very brave transformation. It has warmed my heart to see how your children, your mom, your ex-wife and many others have supported and embraced you. Family can make or break you, as I'm sure you know.

Here's the thing about your new family.

There are a lot of us, first of all. Many may still be living in the closet for fear of rejection, persecution, or any other unpleasant thing that ends in -ion (execution comes to mind but I'm trying to keep this light).

Second of all, we don't always know what everyone else is going through. I don't know anything firsthand about transitioning. I try to learn, and I try to understand, and I try to advocate for the trans folks in my life and out there in the world.

I was a bit confused when you told Ellen your stance on gay marriage. It seems like you're...ah, I don't know, a bit lukewarm on gay marriage still?

CREDIT: The Ellen Show

You asked Ellen if the word "marriage" was the important thing. ...well, yeah, of course it is. We want the same rights as everyone else. I want to say I'm married to someone one day, not that I am legally bound by a court to share the same taxes.

I was also a bit baffled about your comments to Matt Lauer about that Halloween costume of you.

CREDIT: BizPac Review

It's pissed a lot of people off in the LGBT community--perhaps the same way that costumes of certain ethnicities do. Trans people aren't a costume, they say, and far too many people have been tortured and murdered for this to be even remotely acceptable. Far too many men are going to take that costume of you and make horribly transphobic comments.

You also chatted with Matt and assured him it was all right if he accidentally said something offensive--and you hinted that you're a little more chill than those activist folks out there.

So.

I don't think I'm the only one who is a bit confused. Up until now, you have enjoyed a very warm welcome from the LGBT fam. But some of us are indignant. In your TV show "I am Cait," you are able to control the narrative a bit more, but not necessarily in interviews.

And what I think has become clear is that you haven't spent enough time with the rest of the LGBT community or--dare I say it--your struggles have been a lot different.

I am NOT saying they are invalid. I know your identity is something you have struggled with for many of your 65 years.

I'm saying your struggles are not the norm, and that is skewing your perspective. I'm saying you are coming from a place of privilege (formerly male privilege) and you don't understand the community as a whole.

1. I think you're lucky to come from a loving family.

Here's a statistic: family rejection and discrimination and violence have contributed to a large number of transgender and other LGBQ-identified youth who are homeless in the United States – an estimated 20-40% of the more than 1.6 million homeless youth.

Outside of the youth part of it: The National Center for Transgender Equality says one in five transgender people has been homeless at some point in their lives.

Even if trans people are not kicked out of their homes, they have issues with their families accepting them.

2. I think you're lucky to have money at your disposal.

Every transition process is different. The Philadelphia Center for Transgender Surgery offers price estimates for MTF and FTM procedures. The prices are staggering--THOUSANDS. And that's just the surgery. Talking to doctors and taking HRT and buying new clothes and going to therapy presents, no doubt, a daunting sum even for someone like you.

3. I think you're lucky to be white.

Sixteen of the at least 20 LGBT people murdered in 2014 were people of color, according to the NCAVP; 11 were transgender women, and 10 were transgender women of color.

Not to mention white people are just much more privileged than minorities. Which I know you know, as you've lived more than 60 years as a rich white Republican dude. And which I also know, as I have lived my 25 years of life as a middle-class white girl.

4. I think you're lucky to live a comfortable life, when it comes down to it. 

Transgender women are being murdered at a disgusting rate. 

Transgender women are resorting to sex work to make ends meet. 

.....I know you are from another generation than I am. I know you have struggled. I know your life has not been easy.

But your experiences are far from universal--and there are much more common experiences in the trans community and the LGBT community as a whole. Being discriminated against. Being shunned by family and friends. Seeing disgusting transphobic and homophobic portrayals in the media. Hoping that, one day, we can all have equal rights for marriage.

You have the platform, you have the support, you have the money, you have the fans. What I think you don't have are, maybe, the friends and the shared experiences that define many of us. And that is essential to understanding our identities and our desires and the issues that are important to the community.

Your comments are not helping a movement you and your TV show have been sharing with the world. They are not helping the people who have worked so hard for marriage equality and for positive representation in media. They are not helping a movement that was ignited in part by trans women of color at Stonewall in 1969.

In short, they are not helping your new family.

I can only ask you to be more mindful of what you say and do in front of an audience of millions--it matters.

Thank you.

And again--welcome to the fam.




P.S.

If you ever read this, please tell Kim I love her Hollywood game.

One of country's biggest couples calls it quits

Time to break out the "Kerosene" and "Gunpowder and Lead" albums, guys. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are purportedly getting divorced.

Credit: Taste of Country

The two have been dating since 2006 and were married in May 2011--Blake, as you may know, was married at the time he met Ran in 2005.

As a diehard Miranda fan, I often have to brush aside rumors of them fighting or being pregnant or drinking too much or cheating. But I believe TMZ if they have their hands on divorce docs. I'll reserve judgement on who did what for now, and can only hope it's going to be amiable. They have a long road ahead as two of country's biggest.

Country music has too many bros, and Miranda Lambert is the only one stopping them.

As happy as I am for Miranda Lambert, I am disappointed at the lack of female artists in country music at last night's CMAs. Miranda was, really, the ONLY viable female candidate. Most of the categories were all dudes. 

Miranda Lambert was virtually the only viable female candidate on Wednesday (USA Today)

Entertainer of the year was Miranda and four guys.

Album of the year was Miranda and four guys.

New artist of the year was Brandy Clark and four guys.

Single of the year was Miranda, three guys and Tim McGraw "featuring" Faith Hill even if she was barely on the song.

Duo of the year was four all-male duos and one male-female duo.

The female vocalist of the year category was bleak. Carrie, Martina, Taylor, Kacey and Miranda...with Taylor out, who will they pick next year to fill out the category??

The male vocalist of the year could have been filled by any number of dudes in expensive jeans with wallet chains, calling girls "baby" and sticking synthesizers in their tunes. Male country artists are a dime a dozen, and people eat their formulaic drabble up with a spoon.

Like these idiots (USA Today)

Some of the other categories are better with female representation in musical groups (LBT, Lady A, Band Perry). Kacey Musgraves also did well, but she was the only other real contender as a woman. It's just disappointing to know how few women are making noise in the industry.

Kacey Musgraves won song of the year for "Follow Your Arrow," which is a HUGE deal considering the song's pro-LGBT message (USA Today)

Let me tell you something about Taylor Swift.

I liked her music in high school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then when I was in college, she started putting out this music that was totally pop but ran on the country stations, and Taylor was like, weirdly okay with that.

Like, if she would destroy the industry singlehandedly, reviewers would be like, "Why didn't you just call yourself a pop star?" And she'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for the 2014 CMAs, which was an all-country music party, they were like, "Taylor, we can't nominate you for much, because we think you're a pop singer." I mean, they couldn't have a pop singer at their party. There were gonna be girls there in their cowboy boots. I mean, right? She was a POP SINGER.

So then her mom called Miranda Lambert's mom and started yelling at her, it was so ridiculous. And then she dropped out of country music because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for pop music, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.

(inspired by Mean Girls and someone asking me about my Taylor hate).

Hey NFL, do I matter?

Pete Rose: lifetime ineligibility for betting on baseball
Luis Suarez: four-month ban for biting someone at the World Cup
Michael Vick: 21 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring
Chad Johnson: released by the Miami Dolphins for headbutting wife; on probation for a year
Ray Rice: TWO-GAME ban for slugging his fiancee twice in an elevator and then dragging her out


I don't care how long Rose and Vick had been running their illegal side game, or how many times Suarez bit other players. Shouldn't domestic abuse mean more than just a slap on the wrist for this guy?!

Do women not matter as much to the NFL? Rice knocked this woman out.  There's a video.

In the Barclays Premier League, you get eight-game bans for being racist.

In the NFL, you get a two-game ban for punching your fiancee out.


Thank goodness for the new rule: 

 Penalties against players will now be a six-game suspension for a first offense and a banishment of at least one year for a second offense — under league policy, the players don't have to be convicted of a crime to be punished.

Let's get this guy retroactively. What do you say, Roger Goodell?

To James Foley and all the journalists who have been kidnapped, threatened, held hostage, tortured, murdered, or have suffered at all in the hands of terrorists...

Thank you for your bravery, your work, and your commitment to your craft.

Our world is made better by people like you. 

The ice bucket challenge--how to make it count and shut off the haters

Those of us who did the ice bucket challenge have been getting some heat from other folks who say we are wasting water OR that we are not actually donating.

The second one is obviously false. The IBC has gathered $22.9 MILLION for research to Lou Gehrig's Disease over the last THREE WEEKS, a huge increase from last year.

Ten bucks of that was mine--please excuse the bragging.

However, the first point people make is correct. Lots of folks lack clean water...so, therefore, I would encourage any of you doing the challenge to donate to ALS (duh) AND to donate to another cause to bring water.

No offense, California. I know you're in drought. But there aren't any charities I can find to give water--just to further research or help a lobbying company.

And I am SURE people in the world need water more than you.

So, here is a list of projects from the United Methodist Committee on Relief (UMCOR) to bring water to impoverished places. Grab your debit cards, kids!! And see if your employer matches the donation!