If given the opportunity, would I have been "Faking It?"

Like it is with many shows I watch these days, I first read about the MTV show "Faking It" on Tumblr (and saw a ton of .gifs). The premise made me raise an eyebrow. Two best friends fake being gay so that they become popular in their super-accepting Austin high school. Super-popular gay guy Shane (played by Michael Willett) mistakes them for lesbians and outs them, encouraging the whole student body to vote for them for Homecoming queens--so, they decide to go for it.

L to R: Amy, Shane, Karma.

Karma (played by Katie Stevens), is more concerned about her image and about landing a boyfriend (Liam, played by Gregg Sulkin) than her best friend Amy (played by Rita Volk). Also, by the end of the first episode, you get the impression that while Karma is going to fake it for popularity, Amy is most likely going to realize that she is hella gay.

Look at that look though

Of course, the show is not without its critics. I am not yet sure if I am one of these critics. I just know that, after watching the pilot, I have found myself coming back to the same question--would I have faked it in high school?

There is a quintessential (in my experience) rite of passage for queer folks--falling for someone who is just not into your gender. It hurts. Dear Lord, does it hurt. And for those of us who aren't in an accepting school like Amy and Karma are, it's tough to find someone to commiserate with about our straight-girl crushes. And probably even tougher to find someone to date.

Now, when I came out I absolutely had a crush on one of my best friends. We did end up dating two years later (great success!) for a little while until it just didn't work out and my heart got broken (nooooo!). But for all I knew my freshman year, she was a total straight-girl crush. I also had a bit of a thing for this really pretty and popular volleyball player who sat behind me in math class. Ask me about the one time I tried to "anonymously" ask if she was gay. It was a disaster.

But I digress. If little old me had, my freshman year, been given the opportunity to date one of these girls and become popular, knowing they were not going to reciprocate my growing feelings, would I have taken that opportunity?

L to R: Liam, Karma, Amy

Damn, man, I just don't know. 

On one hand: popularity, sweet lady kisses, holding hands with a cute girl who I like. 

On the other hand: unrequited feelings, lying to the whole school, pain and suffering, watching your crush pine after a boy. Undoubtedly, high school me and Amy would just have our feelings grow and our hearts slowly and painfully begin to break after having so much of a good thing but knowing it isn't real.

And I think a lot of queer women (and men, and non-binary folks) have had that undesirable crush, that person who, every minute you spend with them, you feel at once elated and torn up. Elated to be in their presence and be hanging out with them. Torn up because you have feelings for them, and those feelings will probably never going to be reality. So, would I take the route of faking it?? Damn. I don't know. Probably, because the ride up would have been so awesome until my heart broke and I went plummeting into a sea of lesbian despair. 

This is probably the main reason I will hesitate to watch "Faking It." It may kill me. Because I've been there and it still hurts, six years out of high school. 

You guys, I act tough sometimes but I am fairly certain that Amy's inevitable fall for Karma will pierce through me like the blade of a Japanese demon firefly thing (y'all knew I had to bring that up--MTV, if you're listening, I AM STILL NOT OKAY WITH THAT). 

The premise is, certainly, interesting. How many shows do you see when the characters choose to be gay? You can't even choose to be gay in real life! The setting, even though it feels a little fake, is humorous. And I think the show overall, with its pop culture references and some of its stereotypical characters, is meant to be humorous while also meaning to deal with sexuality and the delicate balance of finding popularity and finding yourself. 

There is always a fight for minority representation on television, and I am always interested in a show about queer women (or, in this case, maybe just one woman). 2013 was a good year for LGBT media, and I say that knowing that there are shows and games and movies and books I haven't even experienced myself. Just off the top of my head, I can list "Orphan Black," "Lost Girl," "Orange Is the New Black," and then the video games "Gone Home" and "The Last of Us" as things I have seen with gay female relationships. "Teen Wolf" also had a short storyline about a gay couple. No offense to the guys on TV shows and in movies, but I just feel more drawn to gay female story lines. So, though there are things for me to watch with women like me, I still feel drawn to invest my time in "Faking It."

I'm only one episode in, and it was like 23 minutes long, so I can't write the show off or give it praise quite yet. Will I subject myself to torture for the next nine episodes? Can I handle it? Will it be worth suffering through? Will any of us be okay ever again? Should television be illegal? Did the second-to-last episode of "Teen Wolf" even happen (MTV, again, if you're reading this I'm mad and you should let Jeff Davis know)?

I guess time will tell--both if Amy is going to fall in love with her best friend, and if I am emotionally stable enough to watch this television show. Trust me, if I'm curled up in a ball in a few weeks muttering something about high school and straight girls and crushes...I won't be faking it. 

on Wednesdays we reminisce

Somewhere in the last decade, I have talked about "Mean Girls" enough that I am the go-to girl for my friends to share clips and crossovers and news about the movie, which was released 10 years ago today.

And if you ask me what my favorite movie is, I will emphatically tell you it's "Mean Girls." No actors in it that I particularly fawn over, no great messages that hit me in the heart every time. It's just a damn funny film, and practically every line is quotable.

It's funny, because the first time I saw "Mean Girls" was a bit of a rough patch for me. I remember the night I first saw it not for the impact it had on me, but for the overall awkwardness of the evening.

I came out as a lesbian the spring of my freshman year of high school--well, it started off as a tentative out of the closet, but the big yellow school bus of my own poor judgment hit me and I went flying out as one of if not the only openly gay kid in a Catholic high school of about 700 in Cincinnati in 2005. There was this girl who sat behind me in math class, very beautiful, very sweet, and I was pretty sure I had a crush on her. So, I wrote her an "anonymous" note from a "friend of a friend" asking if she was gay, and I gave it to her. Isn't that a terrible idea? Between sixth and seventh period, practically the whole freshman class knew I liked this girl. Again, big yellow school bus. Too bad I hadn't seen "Mean Girls" and learned how treacherous things like anonymous written confessions could be. But I was confused, and depressed, and had no one to talk to--and my reputation and a few friendships took a hit.

In grade school, I had six very close friends--when we went to high school, three went to my school and three to one of the other Catholic schools, an all-girls' school. The spring after freshman year, we all got together for a sleepover. I hadn't seen a few of them in a while. This was after I came out, so I told all of them individually before we got together. Most of them seemed totally okay with it. But I was still nervous. I mean, they can't just invite a lesbian to their sleepover party. I mean, right? I was a lesbian!

I don't remember the whole sleepover. But I do remember when the elephant in the room finally got too big to ignore, and the questions started. They're questions that I think all queer people get eventually. How do you know? Have you ever kissed a girl? Do you just, like, look at girls and tell that they're hot? Who do you have a crush on (implied: do you have a crush on one of us?)

Well, I didn't know how to answer that. So I dodged awkwardly, probably mumbled some stuff that placated the questions. I don't think they meant anything mean. I don't think any of them ever loved me any less. But they didn't understand me. And I didn't understand myself enough to help them understand me. And some of them probably thought I had a (big, lesbian) crush on them. And we were all 14 years old, six of seven were Catholic, the other Lutheran. Homosexuality wasn't something we understood. It felt like six against one, a bit.

I think, right after that, was when we crowded around to watch "Mean Girls" on someone's portable DVD player. I had never seen it. And it was, understandably, very awkward to watch. The opening scene of the movie contains a young boy talking about hunting homosexuals with a rifle (we're easier to stop point-blank; use a shotgun). Half of the punchlines about Damian revolve around him being "too gay to function." And Regina's whole thing about Janis being a lesbian...well. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or shrivel up in a ball.

I made it through that. And I made it through high school. And somewhere between 2005 and now, I have seen the movie more than any other in my young life (maybe--I did love "Bambi" as a toddler). And quoted it more than anything else, I am sure. And, as I said, it's not really any great moral triumph. People are assholes to each other all movie, and one girl being the scapegoat seems to be the solution...? Okay, there are some lessons to be learned about honesty, and image, and being true to yourself. But really, I love this movie for the comedy. Tina Fey is a gold mine. Amy Poehler's character is brilliant. Karen Smith is, as they say, my "spirit animal."

It's ironic to me that this is now my favorite movie when I first saw it at a rough and awkward time in my life. This post has probably been mostly a nice reflection for me instead of the tribute to "Mean Girls" it should be (but I hope it's both).

But happy 10 years, "Mean Girls." Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for helping me get voted "most obnoxious" senior year with three of my friends because we constantly reenacted Cady and Aaron's scenes in math class. Thanks for allowing me to turn acquaintances into friends with a few quick quotes. Thank you for all the crazy mash-ups and fandom swaps that have kept the references even fresher. Thank you for making every October 3rd a holiday, and every Wednesday a fashion statement. Thank you for trying to make "fetch" happen (it's not gonna happen). And thank you for making me smile, from the first line ("This is your lunch, OK?") to the last ("Juuuuust kidding!").