Since we were little kids, we’ve been taught about the dangers of smoking. It causes a host of diseases. It puts disgusting chemicals and shit into your body. It’s a big ol’ addictive drug. It can make your baby a demon child if you smoke while pregnant. It pisses people off.
And onnn and onnnn and onnnn.
Now, I don’t smoke. I used to back in high school, but then soccer season started back up and I decided to quit because smoking made me run slower than I already did. If I ever smoke anymore, it is an extremely rare occasion brought on by stress and/or the temptation to have one while out at a party. But I know plenty of people who do smoke on a regular basis. And many folks here at school seem to be getting really upset about the proposed ban on smoking. So never fear, fellow Bishops, because I have some great alternative ideas to keep this campus hazy with clouds of nicotine.
The most obvious solution to the prevalence of smoking on campus is to take the nicotine out of the cigarettes and put some weed in there instead. I can swear to you that I have never been high before, but I have encountered people in various stages of being blazed and can tell you they are very peaceful people. Marijuana has not been found to cause cancer, so if you are one of those “DON’T SMOKE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT CANCER” people, you would have nothing to argue about. And besides, maybe all the secondhand smoke from pot would act as a chill pill to all those bitching about secondhand smoke from cigarettes. Everybody wins.
Also, as if cigarette sales didn’t already boost the economy, can you imagine what the sale of marijuana instead of cigarettes would do? Taco Bell and Doritos would have profits through the roof. Doctors’ offices could stand to make a lot more money because everyone would want a prescription for some medical dope. The music industry would flourish because who doesn’t love stoners writing songs? Look at John Mayer.
The tobacco industry funnels a lot of money into the economy…money you would have to pay yourself if we didn’t have smokers around. Think about that.
But maybe you don’t want to take this route. That’s fine. There are other ways to combat smoking here on campus and around the country.
One argument that I hear a lot is that smoking gives you yellow teeth and stains your clothes. Okay, great. I don’t know why this is an argument unless you are telling smokers you don’t want to see their yellow teeth and yellow clothes. That’s not having a solid argument, that’s being a bitch. But at any rate, if you hate seeing people smoke cigarettes and hate breathing in their smoke, just get a paper bag and wear it around over your head. Write nice things on it about how you don’t like smoke and how you don’t want to be a servant of the tobacco industry’s evil marketing techniques. You won’t have to see them or breathe in their smoke…how cool is that?
Another idea: There’s a reason evil guys and sexy women in movies all smoke. Because it looks badass. So, make being a non-smoker look cooler. Do you think Spike from Buffy would have half the sex appeal if he wasn’t a smoker? Can you picture Popeye without a pipe hanging out of his mouth? How would Albert Einstein look without his pipe, or FDR without his weird-looking cigarette thing? Not as cool. How about James Dean? Marilyn Monroe? Frank Sinatra? Sophia Loren? Che Guevara? Like it or not, it’s kind of cool to see people whip out a lighter and elegantly light one up. Particularly if they are well-dressed…or sitting on the front steps of a SLU.
So give me some glamour, antismokers. Make yourselves look cooler instead of giving smokers dirty looks when they pass you by. Rude. One might think that smokers are going to poison all our children and give us all emphysema—they’re like the lepers you don’t want to be around for fear of catching their diseases. Anti-smoking sentiment has barred smokers from restaurants, public places, and now universities? They’re being forced to hide in a closet like a bunch of gays (who, incidentally, have a very high rate of smoking). Where do gays go when they’re forced to hide? The government or the priesthood. Where are smokers going to go if we ban them on campus? Probably back indoors, where they can spread cancer in a much more confined area.
So cut smokers a break. Odds are, they won’t be around much longer anyhow.
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